Month: April 2020

Wow, I didn’t realize how much of my personality is governed by dopamine rush. I had a shock this morning when I stepped on the scale and for a full ten minutes I was in panic mode at the number that it showed me. But after I got out of the shower and dried off I decided to do a second test and used R’s scale which showed me a more acceptable number, albeit still not a good one. When I went back to my scale I realized that I’ve been using it wrong…that you have to tap it, let it reset it reset itself, and then measure. And suddenly it looked ok. Phew. I think that the cleaning people last Friday must have weighed themselves and when I stepped on it without calibrating, it just showed me the last number.

But about that rush – wow! I feel like myself after that for the first time in weeks. I think I have to find ways to insert a bit of risk and excitement into my day to be the most effective.

Today I realized how much I need a change of scenery. If I stay in one place too long I start to get less and less effective. My head gets fuzzy and eventually I just want to stare at the TV mindlessly. And oddly I stop wanting to go out. Is that how Hermits get started?

All day yesterday I kept thinking it was Friday. The days don’t make sense any more. I’m living with this constant anxiety that is always at its worst in the pre dawn hours – and I’m actually a well balanced and resilient person (a ray of positivity). I’m thinking about my friends who are dealing with PTSD, who have experienced major trauma in their lives and how much worse this must be for them.

Right now I’m most worried about what’s to come this summer or fall as world economies disintegrate and supply channels fail. Already meat packers are closing up. Farmers are destroying tons (literally) of eggs, milk, onions and other produce. Sure they will replant. But who will harvest this summer. Will the migrant workers who fill this vital role be able to travel? Will unemployed people from the cities be able to fill in? Do we even have the necessary organization to make that happen? What will happen when the bubble works its way up the supply chain to the consumers? And this fall? What will happen to the food we normally import when the pandemic moves to the crowded cities in the Southern Hemisphere?

I think that the hardest thing for me right now is seeing everyone well and healthy around me and thinking – why keep doing this? We are ok so why not get back to normal? I know intellectually of course that we can’t, but in my heart it feels very surreal to shelter in place when Seattle is overall getting better. And the rest of the country and the world is feeling the same way. 

But just like any good horror movie has taught us, watch out the first time you think you have slain the monster. As you start to go about your business, it suddenly reanimates and attacks again. 

This is the time to be strong and not give in to temptation no matter how sweet it would be to come together, hug each other, and start to return to connecting once more. I wanted to say return to normal. But what is normal any more? Has this been so long already that normal as we knew it goes out the window? Do we even want our old normal back with materialism, Seattle Freeze, environmental destruction, and climate change nipping at our heels? Could we transform our cities now, while we are in a different mode into models of pedestrian and alternate modes of transit? With more people working remotely and less strain on our roads? With more cooperation and less “stuff”

So Happy Easter. Another day of sheltering at home but with virtual celebrations. We had our weekly Zoom Tea with Mom and the rest of the family. It was nice as we had some relatives from Vienna join us too. And for an hour and a half we laughed, put on silly Easter hats and ears, and came together in celebration of each other.

I’m writing this on Monday because no matter how much I plan to do on the weekends, when the weekend hits and the lack of routine that I crave is gone, I can’t get things done. Oh I do things, but other things.

Even during this time of pandemic it is super important to have a routine. As the days merge and become one giant stream of waking up followed by the jolt that normal isn’t normal any more, routine and ritual become more important than ever. Because I’m lucky enough to have a job that can be done from home in an industry that is considered essential, I’m busier than ever. So I get up and shower and get on line every day. Except Saturday.

So this Saturday I did The NY Times crossword. Then R and I went to Issaquah to pick up masks that my wonderful friend M made for us. She left them on the porch and we picked them up and then talked from the bottom of the driveway. It’s the new way to keep in touch with our friends.

It was a beautiful sunny day today and I had a chance to get out because the cleaners came. I can’t believe it’s been two weeks since the last time they were here. I realized that having R living with me is making me more careful. He is diligent about not touching things and reminding me to not touch my face. I think that if I lived alone I would end up being more laissez faire about all this.

This beautiful spring day is making me wonder if this weekend will create a surge of new cases. The city is shutting down most parks because of the nice weather to try to keep people from congregating. It’s easy to think it’s not real when the cases in the local area are decreasing and I’m not surprised that areas that have little contagion are thinking we are over reacting. If I didn’t know several people who have had it, I would be skeptical myself. Luckily they all recovered but knowing what they went through makes me glad we are staying home.

I had a conversation with a colleague this morning that made me think about the unintended consequences that will come from the economic impacts of shut downs. How many deaths will we have because of that? Will the lives saved by shutting down so many businesses outweigh the lives lost to causes related to loss of income? Last I read at least 30,000 restaurants in the US are closing for good and they estimate 110,000 will close by this summer.

After this week I am finally learning how much I am dependent on good sleep, exercise and food. I slept really well last night – got a Fitbit sleep score of 90. Wow. Even with the raging pollen count I feel great. I walked for 4 miles before work and that also helped. Plus I’m trying a new thing – eating protein for breakfast. It seems to be keeping the horrible snacking urges after lunch at bay. I wasn’t as productive as I would have wanted because of too many meetings, but now in the late afternoon I’m still ready to keep going and not fighting the urge for couch and cocktail. Yay me!

Well the sleep thing is definitely a factor. I didn’t sleep well Tuesday night so Wednesday is a mess. I’m cranky and getting annoyed by all the nonsense. Even yelled at my boss. Sigh.

It’s Tuesday. It’s so hard to keep track of what day it is. But I did sleep well and feel much better today. I had some nightmares about half the company hearing the fire alarm to evacuate at the office and half that didn’t. It’s clearly a pandemic dream since half of us are at home and the essential people are still in the lab. I’m going to try to get R and A going on some projects. I hope they can keep busy!